A Husband Who Opposes vs. A Husband Who Supports

The other day, when we gathered with relatives at my husband’s parents’ house, I met my husband’s younger brother’s wife after a long time.

She and I are close in age, and since I started my own business and she also runs her own shop, we often talk about various things when we meet. Recently, she shared this with me.

Until now, my husband has never told me, “You can’t do that,” and I’ve come to realize how truly grateful I am for that. When I became independent in my work, my husband encouraged me by saying, “Go for it.” But from what I hear around me, many people face opposition from their husbands with questions like, “What if you fail?” “Will it really work out?” “What if you neglect the family?” and end up unable to move forward.

She said.

Since my brother-in-law also started a business from scratch and runs a company, maybe he has no resistance to “starting your own business” and “making a living with your own skills.”

That made me think, “Come to think of it, since marrying my husband, I’ve never been opposed when I wanted to do something,” so when I got home, I asked him,

“Both your brothers don’t oppose their wives’ ambitions, but is it because you’ve started your own business and have success under your belt, so you can encourage your wife?”

He answered like this:

No, it’s not that I can encourage my wife because I have success experience. I’ve always thought, “If you want to do it, then do it,” and as a result, I’ve succeeded. It’s like the chicken and egg question. Since I was young, I haven’t really thought “I can’t do this because of XYZ,” but rather acted on “I want to do it, so I’ll do it.” Honestly, it feels stranger to me to hold back and not do something I really want to do. I just think, go ahead and do what you like. Also, whatever you do, I know that even if things get tough, it’ll be okay and somehow work out. And even if it doesn’t go well, as long as I’m earning, there’s no problem. So if my wife wants to do something, I think she should be free to do it.

I thought, I see…

The reason my husband doesn’t oppose what I want to do (and vice versa) lies more in his fundamental way of thinking than in experience, and I realized how truly important it is for couples to share similar values.

Our Shared Views on Gaming

Then recently, I casually tweeted this…

My husband wants our daughters to play Dragon Quest, so he says, “You can play anytime, as much as you want,” and when he comes home he asks, “Did you play Dragon Quest?” and even shows them how fun it is by playing himself, but they still don’t seem interested. Watching this from the outside is really funny lol

— Mina – Welcome Home, PORSCHE (@Mina_Panamera) August 26, 2022

I received comments like this:

This episode really shows what a wonderful couple you are ☺️ Normally, if a dad said something like that, the mom would complain about the kids playing too many games. But Mina, you find it amusing, and the fact that both of you understand the greatness of Dragon Quest shows how important it is for couples to share values.

Again, it came back to the theme of shared values between spouses.

I love games, but my parents were strict, so I didn’t get to play much as a child. I was more of a straight-A student who studied seriously and went straight home from school. (Though calling myself a straight-A student might be a bit much…)

But maybe as a reaction to that, after I started living alone as an adult, I bought various game consoles like PlayStation and Nintendo DS, and played role-playing games like Resident Evil, Dragon Quest, Dynasty Warriors, Samurai Warriors, Metal Gear Solid, and Onimusha every night (the rebound is scary… lol).

Still, through Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors, I developed an interest in history and started reading books about the Three Kingdoms and works by Ryotaro Shiba, so for me, games were a great way to expand my interests.

That’s why I think it’s fine for kids to play games if they want to, and that there are quite a few positive aspects to gaming. So I don’t say “Don’t play games.” (If I had a wish, I’d hope they’d be on the game-creating side rather than just playing.)

Getting back on track, when I talked to my husband about our views on gaming, he said this:

Yeah. Before getting married, you should understand each other’s values to some extent, so if you think you don’t match, there’s no need to force a relationship or marry just because of appearances. If you feel comfortable and happy, then get married; if not, don’t. I think it’s better to cherish your own values and make decisions accordingly. For example, I sometimes see tweets from car lovers who say, “My girlfriend, who’s thinking about marriage, told me not to buy any more cars because we need to save money.” Instead of giving in there, I think you should clearly communicate how important cars are to you, and if they don’t understand, then there’s no need to force marriage. I want to live valuing my own way of thinking and values, not fearing a life that goes against societal norms.

Even if couples have different values, some accept those differences and live well together, while others prioritize fundamental value alignment. There are many kinds of marriages.

I once again felt that it would be wonderful if couples could walk through life together, always considering what feels best and most comfortable for them, free from societal constraints.