Not Restricting My Husband’s Freedom

The other day, I wrote an article titled “What’s More Important Than Being a ‘Good Luck Charm Wife’ Who Sees Her Husband’s Growth Up Close,” and it received more feedback than I expected.

夫の成長を身近に見てきた妻が思う”あげまん”になるより大切なこと —

Among the responses, the part that resonated most was the brief mention at the very end: “What I consciously focused on was not restricting my husband’s freedom.” So, from a wife’s perspective, I decided to explore this topic a little more deeply.

Husband Wants a Porsche, Wife Opposes

Sometimes on Twitter or Yahoo! Chiebukuro, I see posts like these:

“I want a sports car, but my wife is against buying one. What should I do?”
“When I say I want to buy a Porsche, my wife insists it has to be a minivan. What should I do?”

And conversely,

“My husband is trying to buy a sports car despite my objections. Since it’s impractical and expensive, I’m trying to persuade him to get a family car, but he won’t listen. What should I do?”

Such heartfelt posts from wives are not uncommon.

There are many answers to these concerns, but a significant number say things like “Just go ahead and buy it despite your wife’s opposition!” or “Since he’s using his own money, let him do as he pleases.”

But as a wife, I honestly feel uneasy about these responses.

“If the husband forces his way through here, the family relationship will worsen, and he’ll lose even more freedom going forward.”

Every time I see these discussions, a memory from my early days as a new employee comes back to me.

Results, Trust, Freedom

When I joined my first company as a new graduate, I was assigned to the sales department. The company had an unspoken rule: those assigned to regions requiring overnight stays could go straight to and from their destinations, but those assigned to regions reachable as day trips from headquarters had to go through the office.

At the time, I was responsible for an area two hours away by train, so I often complained about losing time by having to come to the office. But when I finally couldn’t take it and asked my boss, he said this:

I’m not saying you can’t go straight to and from the site. If you want more freedom, go for it. But first, produce results that everyone recognizes. At least, produce results that leave me no room to object. Then I’ll leave your daily sales activities up to you. Remember well that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.

That boss’s response might be called “black company” behavior today, but 15 years ago, before “work style reform” was even a thing, his logic made sense to me as a new employee who hadn’t yet delivered results.

I decided, “Rather than complain, I’ll produce results that leave no room for objection, so I can gain freedom.”

From there, I worked hard, got a lot of help, and once I started producing results, no one said anything about going straight to and from sites. After becoming top in sales, my boss said, “Do as you like, but make sure you deliver results.” and I was given considerable freedom. (Also, my approval requests started getting accepted a lot more, lol.)

From that experience, I realized:

“Producing results leads to gaining trust. When you’re trusted, you gain freedom.”

This was a big insight for my younger self.

Trust from the Wife

Back to the topic: I believe the reason a husband’s wife opposes buying a sports car is, bluntly, because the husband isn’t trusted by his wife. In other words, he hasn’t produced results that satisfy his wife.

That’s why the wife anticipates and objects:

“If he buys a sports car, he’ll ignore the family on his days off and go driving alone, right?
He says it won’t hurt the household finances, but in the end, it will.”

Especially in households with small children, wives often have no freedom at all. Everything revolves around the kids: taking them to the hospital when they have a fever, dermatology, ENT, dentist, vaccinations, kindergarten and school events… Most of their time is consumed by the children’s schedules. It’s even tougher for working couples.

A lunch with old friends planned months ago can be canceled at the last minute if the child gets sick. Even something as simple as “having a quiet coffee alone at Starbucks” feels like a luxury now.

In such a daily life, if the husband pushes through his wife’s objections and says, “I’m buying a sports car!” without considering the family, it’s natural for the wife to feel, “Are you kidding me?!”

Therefore, if you want a sports car or freedom, the first step is to produce the results your wife wants, or at least keep taking actions toward that to earn her trust.

What “results the wife wants” probably differ by household.

Time alone to relax, time with family, an annual income of 10 million yen, 100 million yen, a large family, a home, couple time, travel… etc.

The scope and scale vary greatly by wife. (Some wives might be like goddesses who say, “If you’re happy, I don’t need anything else.”) But if the wife trusts that “this person understands and will follow through,” she won’t oppose so harshly and will likely allow more freedom.

Sometimes I hear, “My wife is so fed up she’s given up and says nothing (lol),” but from a wife’s perspective, that might actually mean “He works hard and earns, so I guess he can do as he pleases,” which is a form of acceptance.

Next page → I brought up this topic with my husband. How did he react…?