My husband works in IT, and it seems that recently there’s been a bit of a trend in the IT world where people explain technical info using manzai comedy in the style of Milk Boy. Inspired by that, my husband wrote an article about Porsche “in the style of Milk Boy.” (Just like the real Milk Boy, this is his personal take.)

Milk Boy is a manzai comedy duo who won last year’s M-1 Grand Prix with their “Cornflakes” routine, scoring the highest points ever and ultimately taking the championship.

I found myself laughing out loud while reading it, so if you don’t mind, please imagine the two members of Milk Boy as you read on. w

Porsche

“So my mom recently bought a sports car, but she says she forgot the name.”
“Wait, she forgot the name of the car she bought? What’s going on? Alright then, I’ll help you figure out what sports car your mom bought—tell me what features she mentioned.”

“Mom said it’s got tons of power, the handling is amazing, and it’s comfortable enough for everyday use.”
“Ah, that’s gotta be a Porsche! Those features scream Porsche! Nowadays, when you think of the perfect sports car, it’s Porsche. It’s insanely fast but also practical enough for daily driving—that’s the hallmark. Porsche’s whole concept is that you can hit the racetrack on weekends and then just drive to work or go for a normal drive on Monday. So it has to be a Porsche.”

“I thought so too, but Mom said people take tons of pictures of it in the city.”
“Well, then it’s probably not a Porsche. Porsches don’t usually get snapped all over town. They’re not flashy; they’ve kept the same timeless design for decades, so anyone can instantly recognize a Porsche. The body is compact, and it doesn’t have that flashy supercar vibe. Plus, the drivers tend to be low-key guys, and you almost never see a pretty girl riding shotgun. Usually, it’s just two middle-aged men. That doesn’t sound like a Porsche. Can you tell me more details?”

“Mom said the car has tons of different grades or trims.”
“That’s definitely Porsche! The Porsche 911 alone has so many trims. There’s the base model, the S, the GTS, then rear-wheel and all-wheel drive, Cabriolet and Targa versions, plus the GT3 and Turbo series. So it’s no wonder you get overwhelmed when choosing.”

“I thought it was Porsche, but Mom said there aren’t many options to choose from when buying.”
“Then it’s not Porsche. Porsche options are insane in number. And they’re all expensive! If you just look at the base price and think you can buy it as is, you’re in for a shock at the dealer. Even automatic folding mirrors cost 50,000 yen as an option. You have to pick each feature one by one, even things that come standard on kei cars nowadays. So if they say there aren’t many options, it’s definitely not Porsche. Anything else your mom mentioned?”

“Mom said the brakes are incredibly effective.”
“Then it’s gotta be Porsche! Porsche brakes are known as the ‘best brakes in the universe.’ They’re insanely powerful, sure, but more importantly, they’re super easy to control. You can stop exactly where you want even from over 200 km/h, and the braking performance doesn’t fade no matter how many times you repeat it. They test it by accelerating from 90 km/h to 230 km/h and then slamming the brakes over 20 times, and the brakes keep performing perfectly. That has to be Porsche.”

“I thought so too, but Mom said the brakes hardly ever squeak.”
“Then it’s not Porsche. Porsche brakes are supposed to squeak. Porsche officially says brake squeal isn’t a defect, and their ceramic PCCB brakes even come with a manual warning that they will squeak. Brakes that never squeak? That’s not Porsche.”

“Also, Mom said when she turns the steering wheel on a cold winter day getting out of the garage, it makes crunching and grinding noises.”
“Then it’s definitely Porsche. Porsche uses parallel steering geometry. This is the same setup as racing cars, where the left and right tires turn at the same angle. Otherwise, you can’t smoothly take medium- to high-speed corners. So on cold winter days, the hardened tire blocks slip and make that crunching noise due to the difference in turning radius between inner and outer wheels. That’s absolutely Porsche.”

“I thought so too, but Mom said the handling is super quick.”
“Then it’s definitely not Porsche. Porsche doesn’t make the steering artificially quick just for show. Sure, it’s quicker than a normal car, but they don’t use gimmicks to make the initial turn feel sharp just to look sporty. What Porsche prides itself on is natural, intuitive handling that matches human perception perfectly. So when you drive it, there’s no weird feeling—it just feels great. Did your mom say anything else?”

“Mom said the engine vibrates very little and runs incredibly smoothly.”
“That’s Porsche for sure! The 911’s flat-six engine has a low center of gravity and perfect balance. So it vibrates very little, revs smoothly to high RPMs, and sounds amazing. The GT3 engine revs all the way to 9,000 rpm—that’s incredible. Plus, unlike other supercars, Porsche strikes a great balance between exhaust and mechanical sounds. For any gearhead, Porsche engines are the best.”

“Also, Mom said because the handling is so good, she tends to drive a bit carelessly.”
“Then it’s not Porsche. Real Porsche drivers are always serious behind the wheel. The 911 has a heavy engine in the back, so if you ease off the throttle or brake lightly before a corner, the weight shifts just right, and you can corner beautifully. Porsche is the kind of car that’s already where you want to be the moment you think about cutting in. If you want to drive carelessly, you don’t need a Porsche.”

“Oh, and Mom said she doesn’t get tired at all even on long drives.”
“That’s Porsche! It feels so good to drive that you want to keep going forever. Supercars can’t do that. There are cars faster than Porsche, but when it comes to overall comfort and balance, Porsche wins.”

“I thought it was Porsche, but Mom said it can’t carry much luggage.”
“Then it’s not Porsche… Porsches actually carry quite a bit of luggage. The front trunk of a 911 is big enough for a suitcase, and you can fit a lot in the back seats too. Cayman and Boxster even have rear trunks, so you’re fine on trips. So that definitely doesn’t sound like Porsche. What did Dad say when he heard all this?”

“Dad said, ‘Isn’t it a mini truck?'”
“Definitely not!! Alright, that’s enough.”

And that’s the end of the show! (lol) Thanks so much for reading. If you have any fun ideas for future posts, please leave a comment!